# I feel so horrible. Help would be appreciated, rest in peace sweety, Icen.



## Jrf456 (Jun 23, 2011)

My young little boy, Icen, died today. He was only 2-5 months old, and was very small. 

I feel so horrible. 

I was always so mean to him. By mean, I do not mean I didn't take care of him. He got his 100 water changes 2 times a week like the others, fed properly, a beautiful bowl and care. Verbally I was mean. I know fish can't hear us, but I feel so horrible. I would always say things like " You're so ugly " because he had raggedy fins and lost alot of color from the tiny tiny BABY FOOD jars the fish farm sold him in. That's always going to haunt me. I never laid a finger on him, or tried to hurt him in any way, just the " ugly " word I called him makes me feel so horrible.


I was just about to go to sleep, it was 2:04 AM here, and I was exhausted, but determined to stay up and watch Degrassi videos I've missed. So I finally am ready, and as always, before I go to sleep, I do a quick fish check. I look at the top of their bowls and check if it's all clean, check their eyes for ick and their fins for rot, and see if they're swimming, or sleeping. Heather, good. Brent, good. Suellen, good. Skyden, good. Aubin, good. Icen.. not so good. Garland, good. 

He was stuck underneath a plant, and I guess couldn't get up for air. 

If anyone can try to help me through this, please do. I'm hysterical right now, I feel so horrible for calling him ugly all this time, and not giving him as much affection as I do the others. 

Thank you if you actually read all of this. Please remember, never say anything mean about someone who has done nothing to hurt, offend or make you mad, because if something happens to them, no matter if they're a fish, a cat, or another human, it will scar you and fill your heart with regret, making you contemplate your life and put you in deep sorrow.


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## Hisaki Yuki001 (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm sorry for your loss. Even though you used to call him ugly, I'm sure he knew how much you cared for him and loved him. I'm not so sure if they can actually hear you, but I do know from my boys that they definitely know your intentions and feelings towards them. For example, my big GHM plakat male tetsu has been with me for about three months, and he's just now starting to try to outright get my attention when I'm in the same room. He's just getting to the point when he's not always trying to hide. My Bettas also seem to know when I'm going to feed them or just let them play with my finger. 

The greatest happiness you gave him was the care that he needed, space to swim in, food on a regular basis, and a place to call home. You, and only you, in the end saved him, from the miserable life he had in those horrid baby food jars that he had been forced to live in. The cups at a store is bad enough, baby food jars are just downright horrid in my opinion. But my piont is, he knew that, and loved you for choosing him. 

I had a Betta a few months ago named Sonoka who got really sick, and I did everything I could but he was too far gone. The day that he passed, that morning he swam into my hand and rested there and got made at me when I removed it. After that, I couched him onto a leaf so he could get air. When I woke up later that night, he had passed on that same leaf. I believe the act of him resting on my hand was to let m know that he knew and was appreciative of what I did for him, and at the same time a way of saying goodbye. But my point again is, that he knew that, and loved you for choosing him and giving him a happy home. R.I.P. little guy.


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## TequilatheBetta (Apr 5, 2011)

So sorry for your loss  

You know what? I think, even if Icen could somehow understand you when you called him ugly. He was probably like 'Pfffft. I have gorgeous fins, big lips, all the girls love me. You're just a big floating ball of .... stuff.'

Anyway, I'm sure you meant 'ugly' affectionately. He had a good life with you, and really, that's all that matters for him. The bettas in those dirty cups at Petsmart would give anything to be him, even if people come in, shake their cups, and call them beautiful. I would rather be called ugly and be happy then be called beautiful and dying. Icen thinks the same.

Icen, I hope you have fun swimming in the big rice paddy in the sky! RIP.


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## Jrf456 (Jun 23, 2011)

Thank you so much, Hisaki and Tequila, this makes me feel alot better.


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## Pitluvs (Jun 22, 2011)

I can't believe there are not many posts on this  I went looking for this. I'm so sorry Icen's gone. I am sure he only felt love from you and appreciates all the care you gave him. I think you should go out and give another ugly Betta a home. May make you feel better hun. I'm really sorry


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## Jrf456 (Jun 23, 2011)

Thank you so much, Pitluvs. I see you knew a little more about him.. He will be missed. I am definitely going to Petsmart on shipment day soon to get one of the white, yellow, or dotted finned ones maybe, because those are the types that usually sit on the shelves the longest since everyone buys the reds, blues, oranges and purples usually.


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## Pitluvs (Jun 22, 2011)

I am sure Icen would love for his home to go to another that may not be appreciated by other, but would be loved by you  Right? At least that's how I like to think, and it makes my heart feel better. I am sure my first boy Venom would love the fact that 4 more Bettas got a loving home in his old home.


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## Jrf456 (Jun 23, 2011)

Of course! And one day in heaven we'll get to see all of our lost fishy friends in cloud shaped tanks!

It's always so sad to lose a fish you've had for a while.. I got so used to coming home, and going into my room, and his bowl being the first I see since it's the closest to the door.


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## Punki (Apr 30, 2011)

Aw, i could see myself doing this but when i said it was ugly it would almost be out of frustration that he was in conditions that caused it. as if to say "Jeez you look horrible because of having to be in a BABYFOOD jar for so long, why cant it go away"
You obviously cared and loved him, you probably just hated that his past was so ugly and you couldnt wipe it all away. I hope you can find peace in knowing that you indeed did care afterall, and he knew it, otherwise hed still be in a jar somewhere or long gone.


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## Jrf456 (Jun 23, 2011)

Yes, Punki. I hope so.


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## Hisaki Yuki001 (Jul 5, 2011)

Jrf456 said:


> Of course! And one day in heaven we'll get to see all of our lost fishy friends in cloud shaped tanks!
> 
> It's always so sad to lose a fish you've had for a while.. I got so used to coming home, and going into my room, and his bowl being the first I see since it's the closest to the door.


I've actually had dreams that the little guys I had that have passed on before their time were swimming in the air around me like it was water, not confined to the limits of water or space anymore. What was more wierd was that when I have those dreams, it just seems natural and I didn't even give it a second thought that they are swimming in the air of my living-room and not in water. Weird huh?


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## 2littlerevheads (Aug 8, 2011)

sorry for ur loss ,


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## sarahbeth1976 (Sep 30, 2011)

You loved him. He knew it, simply because you gave him a good home. 

i'm s sorry for your loss.


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