# Swim free, Indigo...



## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Last night, after desperate attempts to find any other way around Dropsy which my boy was suffering from, I finally made the decision to euthanize Indigo with clove oil.
Turns out I didn't need to.
I went upstairs to check on the little guy and before I even turned on the light I knew something was wrong. I switched on the light and he was lying completely on his side at the bottom of the tank. I looked in and I knew he was dead even without consulting myself with why he hadn't floated up to the surface. His eyes were glazed over and looked up at the surface of the water and his pectoral fins were open, and so was his mouth, like he had tried to get one last breath before having his life taken from him. The next two minutes consisted of me clutching the side of the wall and yelling "NO NO NO NO NO" in my head, and then rolling into a ball on my bed and just having my heart slowly being torn apart piece by piece. Yes, I had expected him to die and I was ready for it, but it was clear he had died in pain, and that was what I least wanted him to do. Of course at that moment my brain decided to replay every single good moment I had with him.
I remember seeing him at PetSmart. I had walked up to his cup and put a finger gently on the side of the cup and he swam up to it happily, as if he was like "look at me! Bring me home with you!". I had said to myself, "yep that's going to be my fish". I had brought him home with BluePancakes and her fish and we had talked about what we were going to name them, and once I had gone back to my own house I set the 1 gallon bowl up.
Indigo made his way into my heart before I had even put him into the "tank" (keep in mind I hadn't discovered this site yet), and every day I swung around to poke my finger up to his fishy face. He'd always swim up to it the way he did the first time he made me bring him home.
And now he's gone.
No more happy purple fins and sweet, innocent face coming up to meet me when I go to feed him. No more anything with him ever again. He's always been strong, enthusiastic, and energetic. It's heartbreaking to see how much he'd changed during Dropsy, and how much of himself it had taken. To see a once happy little fish change so drastically into a gasping, broken and desperate fish is horrible. It feels like your heart is being nuked and blown up every time you look at him. He'd completely given up on living- I nudged the side of the cup and he fluttered his fins once and then let himself sink down, and when I performed a water change he didn't struggle at all.

I planned to euthanize him to put him out of his misery, but he'd already taken that step for himself. How much pain had he died in? It hurts to know that I couldn't do anything for him.
So this is a reminder to everyone who reads this- don't take for granted any time you spend with your fish, because who knows when you'll never be able to again. And if you get to spend a lot more time with your first fish like I didn't, spend it well because if you don't, you'll regret it when he's gone.
Indigo, if you can hear me now, I'm so sorry and I hope you feel loads better. Live a good life wherever you are, one better than the one I gave you.
Goodbye, Indigo.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

My heart is aching for you. I was crying while reading. Rest easy in knowing you did all you knew how to do. He is definitely not hurting now. He knew you loved him, and I know he loves you back. (((hugs)))


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Thank you, DangerousAngel. A reply may be simple, but's it's comforting to know there are people who sympathize with this situation out there, if only a few.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

You're welcome. I'd feel the same way if Dangerous passed from it. It would be heartbreaking. If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on I'm always here.


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Thanks 
Is Dangerous your first fish? He looks strikingly similar to Indigo, but more blue. Hopefully you get to spend more time with him than I got to with my boy.


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## Greenapp1es (Dec 4, 2014)

I'm sorry about your boy. I had to euthanize one of mine due to dropsy not long ago. It's a horrible thing to watch. It's also really hard to try to judge when is the time to let them go - because you don't want to cut them off if they're still hanging on, but you don't want them to suffer. At least it was a hard call for me.

Either way, thoughts are with you. You did everything you could for him, and you have him a great life while he was with you.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

PurpleJay said:


> Thanks
> Is Dangerous your first fish? He looks strikingly similar to Indigo, but more blue. Hopefully you get to spend more time with him than I got to with my boy.


Sure is! He put up with all my new fish owner mistakes and now we have an unbreakable bond. I've been meaning to mention that to you, of how similar they look! How long had you had Indigo?


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Greenapples- thank you. 

DangerousAngel- 3/4s of a month. He was the most energetic of the fish at the store. I miss him so much.
We buried him in the backyard (It wasn't easy, there were SOOO many roots in the way) and put a toy windmill missing the color purple on his grave. I thought it represented that all the colors were there, except indigo (both color and fish) was missing because he was buried right under the rest of the rainbow.
I know, cheesy idea. But it worked, strangely. Sort of a pun (I don't know what else to call it) on his name, since he was named after a color.


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## Nova betta (Dec 5, 2014)

I lost my boy to a few days ago.
It seems silly you can care so much for a fish, but I was so attached to him. I bet you were attached to Indigo to. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

PurpleJay said:


> Greenapples- thank you.
> 
> DangerousAngel- 3/4s of a month. He was the most energetic of the fish at the store. I miss him so much.
> We buried him in the backyard (It wasn't easy, there were SOOO many roots in the way) and put a toy windmill missing the color purple on his grave. I thought it represented that all the colors were there, except indigo (both color and fish) was missing because he was buried right under the rest of the rainbow.
> I know, cheesy idea. But it worked, strangely. Sort of a pun (I don't know what else to call it) on his name, since he was named after a color.


3/4s of a month?? I thought you had had him longer! Ohh :-( I think his burial is beautiful idea. Not cheesy at all.


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Oh, sorry! Not 3/4 of a month!
I meant year, not month, I'm sorry. I don't recheck what I post, so half the time it doesn't make sense.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

OHH whew! 3/4 of a year! That's ok LOL I do it too!


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Woke up this morning and went over to the tanks. Fed Neptune and then went over to Indigo's tank.
After poking the side and confusedly looking inside, I remembered that he had passed. I have no idea why, but I broke down. No tears, but I could barely breathe.

Am I grieving too much?


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## smaugthefishy (Jun 15, 2015)

Sending my condolences your way. I'm sure he knew in his little watery heart how loved he was by you. He was blessed to have such a caring owner. <3 I hope you don't mind, but I did a little painting of him which you can see/save here.


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Thanks. The painting looks great! It's nice to know that some people do care.


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## fup10k (Jun 17, 2015)

I cried just reading this

I know it can be hard, but don't blame yourself for what you didn't know and what you couldn't do for him, because there are people in this world who *do* know what's best for their pets and still choose to not do it simply because they don't care enough. 

I'm so sorry for your loss <3  I don't think you're grieving too much... fish are wonderful, loving creatures and it's just as hard as losing any other pet. Cat, dog, hamster, snail, etc.... it doesn't matter what they are, all pets are special. 

Take all the time you need to grieve, but know that regardless of how he died, he is free of pain now and you gave him the best life you could have with all of your knowledge and love.


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## DangerousAngel (Mar 26, 2015)

PurpleJay said:


> Woke up this morning and went over to the tanks. Fed Neptune and then went over to Indigo's tank.
> After poking the side and confusedly looking inside, I remembered that he had passed. I have no idea why, but I broke down. No tears, but I could barely breathe.
> 
> Am I grieving too much?


No, You're not. He was a big part of your life, and he's not there. It hurts, and it will for a while. Don't try to shorten your grieving process. Let it out. He's always with you in spirit though. (((hugs)))

Also, that painting is so gorgeous!


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## themamaj (May 11, 2015)

A sweet way to say goodbye. So sorry for your loss! Our pets always hold a special place in our hearts


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Aww, thanks everyone. This thread has made me feel a bit better. I put a brick on his grave because we were gonna have a storm soon so if the toy windmill blew away, I would still know where he lay.
Thanks for all your condolences. It really does mean a lot to me :')


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## themamaj (May 11, 2015)

What a thoughtful gesture. Beautiful painting.


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## catsie (May 7, 2015)

Im sorry about your loss. I had to say goodbye to my Tuna not too long ago. When i was euthanizing him by temperature shock, i swore i felt him move which absolutely devastated me because i wasnt sure if i was putting him in pain or if it was just some form of rigor. I came to terms with it knowing that everything ive done from beginning to end was to make his life easier. People say that fish are easy to keep but they fail to realize that as fish-owners we carry the burden of having to be their owners/handlers and doctors. If they get sick, we have to know the solution to save them, if they aren't going to make it, we have to pick all the "right decisions" and even go as far as putting our beloved pets down. But, do realize Indigo was one of the very lucky few who got to go home to a wonderful owner who clearly cared about his well being. I like to think that even if a sickly betta got adopted by a wonderful person who wanted to try and save them and only lived one day at their new home, being loved and cared for that one single day, they still got that chance to be loved.. now imagine how fortunate Indigo was


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## 0Bubbles0 (Jul 2, 2015)

It is too hard to see my eyes arrew fiklled with tears. so sorrty for youe loss,*wiping tears*. See I made lots of mistakes I couldn't see! SIP Indigo! <3 <3 <3
ps I usually dont cry but I couldn't help it this time <3


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## PurpleJay (Jan 4, 2015)

Thank you, everyone. It's been a couple weeks since his death, but I still miss Indigo. All your condolences have made me feel better


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## MissLibby (Jul 8, 2015)

I'm sorry about Indigo, Purple Jay. I went through a similar experience last December. My Dragon was becoming old and got sick, and I hated seeing him suffer. I went upstairs to get some paper for something and when I saw Dragon laying on his side on the bottom of the tank, I was very upset. I buried him in his leaf hammock outside. I understand what you are going through. Indigo seemed like he had a lot of personality. Don't feel sad for too long, because you know Indigo wouldn't want you to. ;-) (but it's okay to feel sad for a while, I know I did) Is Indigo your profile picture? Either way, that fish is beautiful!:-D


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