# Rubbie5837 Journal



## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

So I have been debating on starting one of these journals for a little while now. I wonder what I would write about and how often I would write in it. So I guess I'll start with a little bit about myself.
Well, I am 28. I have one son named Nicholas and a baby on the way. Can't say that I'm super excited about that, but hey, stuff happens. I love my son, my pets, music, and I love to write. I've had a few poems published that I'm very proud of. I wish I could say that I grew up in a leave it to beaver type family, but that would be a lie. My mother was absolutely horrible, and I'm not just trying to make her seem that way. She, I feel, was bipolar or something worse. She was abusive towards my oldest sister, until she moved out at 16. I still remember that day and it haunted me. After she moved out, my mother's abusive ways turned onto me. Iwas 4 old at the time. One time, I rem sitting in the living room floor at my aunt's playing Mario bros on the NES, and I heard my mother telling my aunt that she couldn't love me like my sisters (I have 3) because she had to have a cesarian section with me. That led me to question if she loved me at all. I wasn't a bad kid, just very independent. And no matter what I tried, I couldn't earn my mother's approval. I made mostly A's throughout grammar school, but all I got was "that's what you are supposed to do". I clung to my dad, although he workedall of the time to support us. I had no one but my pets to talk to. They were my comfort. I told CPS about what was going on, even begging to be placed in a foster home because I was tired of living in fear that I would make my mother angry. I have been locked in the trunk of the car and it was set on fire, I've been thrown out of a moving car, shot with a bb gun, beaten with whatever my mother could get into her hands, thrown out a second story window and stabbed. These are just from what I can remember off of the top of my head. I remember I was 10 yrs old the first time I tried to kill myself. I decided to drink bleach. Then shortly after that, I took an entire bottle of excedrine extra strength tablets. Again, I begged anyone to not make me go back. Then, at around 12 yrs old, I was at a friend's house for a party and was raped. I told my mom and she said it was my fault. So I started sneaking off and doing things that I shouldn't have even know about (drugs, alcohol, ect). I was getting blamed for it anyway, so I thought what the hell, I'll do it. I wanted to stop this pain. Then I started high school. That's when things really got crazy. My friends and I started up a poetry club and I got involved in everything that I could to keep from having to go home. I was in JAFROTC, poetry club, TAD (ironic I know) and the poetry club. I was planning on going to the military and being a dog handler but things didn't work out. I ended up caving under all of the stress of school, home and the demons in my closet, so I dropped out in my junior year. I immediatly got my GED and started college that fall at 17. I made a poor decision and got pregnant with my son and had to put my dream on hold. Since then, my son was born, my mother passed away, and the man that I thought I was going to marry ended up molesting our son when he was 16 months old. It took everything I had not to kill him. So since then, I have been taking care of him by myself. Then I feel in love again but this too ended badly. So that's my life pretty much in a nutshell. I still struggle daily with my demons. I must say, that if it wasn't for my son, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I cleaned my life up, no drugs, seldomly drink, and no more men in my life anymore. Sorry for this journal being depressing. I just needed to get that out. 

So I guess I'll continue with maybe some of the good points in my life later on. So stay tuned....


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## Axeria (Feb 6, 2015)

Wow, Rubbie darling I am so sorry you had to go through all this! Makes me just want to reach out and hug you! Its just so awfull! I myself had a unhappy childhood, but my mother where never cruel, just clueless... And what your ex did to your son is just horrible! I have no words...

I am glad to see that you have your son to focus on and that he gave you the strength to clean up your life. And I bet the new baby wil give you even more happyness Congrats! 

*subbing*


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## Ilovebettasbk11 (Nov 12, 2013)

Rubbie darling you are a loving wonderful person i wish i can give you a hug 

Well i believe in Karma and it will bite those you did wrong


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

Thanks both of you. I promise my journal won't stay dark and twisted.


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## Fenghuang (Dec 28, 2012)

Hope this doesn't come out wrong, but thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of strength. I hope things just keep getting better for you from here on out.

And I will be lurking this journal as I lurk all the best of them. ;-)


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

I am so tired of fighting daily with invisible problems. I've gotten very good at putting a fake smile on, while on the inside I'm beyond giving up. I don't cry because I am out of tears. I just keep dragging one foot in front of the other hoping that one day I will finally drop. I keep hoping for sleep, but never getting to rest. And then when someone asks me what's wrong, I can't tell them. I just say it's nothing. If I do tell them, then that's one more thing for them to talk about me. I thought I'd found my saving grace, but he was just a wolf in sheep's clothing. Now, I'm stuck alone trying to fight the war inside my head while trying to convince myself that it's going to be ok. I just have to keep fighting. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when you have spent your entire life in the darkness. I keep wanting to quit and just crawl into my hole and disappear. I don't think anyone would notice. I don't know how much more I can carry. I have nothing left to give. I have some very heartbreaking decisions to make and I don't know if I will survive making them. I do anything and everything for people but when I need someone, there isn't anyone there.


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

So me and my son ran away for the night. I needed some time to think about some things going on with my life. I feel bad leaving everyone but I fed them their dinner and cut their lights off and turned the heat back on so it won't get too cold for shukie. Enjoying the peace and quiet.


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## Ilovebettasbk11 (Nov 12, 2013)

rubbie5837 said:


> So me and my son ran away for the night. I needed some time to think about some things going on with my life. I feel bad leaving everyone but I fed them their dinner and cut their lights off and turned the heat back on so it won't get too cold for shukie. Enjoying the peace and quiet.


Well good sometimes you just got to be slefish in life and take care of your self 

Hope all goes well never also forget you got support


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

Feeling so tired and frustrated right now. After the adventure in the wee hours of the morning, after waking up this morning, it seems like it was a complete waste of time. But how can you help someone who doesn't know that you are trying to help? I bring someone into my home (which I very rarely do) and then they run away again. Just to give you guys insight about me, my own family doesn't know where I live. My home is my sanctuary, and I don't like not feeling safe and peaceful, so I keep people out. Now after getting to see shukie as a happy fish, he is abandoned and afraid again. But what else can I do?


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## just4kicks (Mar 24, 2015)

I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I am fine and if you could, please take care of shukufuku for me. I am going back home and I'm grateful for the help and the kindness that you have shown me. I just need help that I don't feel that you should have to give right now. Please understand and don't be mad at me. Shukufuku will warm up to you and love you as your own guys do. He has a kind gentle heart, as do you. I am forever in your debt. If you show him love, he will return it. Take care my dear friend. 

-Allie


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## Axeria (Feb 6, 2015)

I have been lurking on the threads about Shuki and just wanted to say that you give me a little bit of hope in humanity with taking him under your wing and helping his previous owner 

I hope you are feeling better , I am here if you ever need to talk 

X


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

So... In fishy news... I got the 10 gallon set up for the guppies and just finished getting them acclimated. Now for a wc on the 5 gallon and get shukie set up in it. Then a wc on the 20 gallon. I didn't get to buy a second 20 long like I planned on doing because I needed to get the 10 gallon running asap. I think shukie will be much happier when he is moved. After getting to see him happy early this morning, I was able to see that he is definitely a halfmoon, possibly a rt. He has a ton of branching, but he is quite young. He will at least have some plants to hide behind as he is very timid and scared. I did get him to eat a pellet this morning though, so baby steps with him. It was nice to see him perk up, but it further saddened me because of his situation. But hopefully he will come around. So that's been my day so far. I've gotten maybe 4 hrs of sleep in the past couple of days. Hopefully things will settle down now.


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

Thanks, axeria. Last night was pretty crazy. But I just hope she is ok. I wish I knew what else I could do to help her. When shukie saw her last night, he was a completely different guy. I could see the bond that was between them. It breaks my heart. But I can only do what I can. He is truly a great little guy. You can see in his eyes that he has a soul and is terrified right now. No living creature deserves to go through what he and his owner has gone through. But I think with a little love, both of them can be mended.


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## rubbie5837 (Dec 22, 2014)

Smh. You think that you know someone. And when it all comes out, you find out that you have just been PUNKED!


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