# The Raincloud in the Rainbow Sky



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

**Might be bad to read these if you are depressed/suicidal. I don't want my thoughts to influence someone else to do something harmful to themselves.**


So, as you can tell by the title of the journal, this isn't going to be a real happy one. I need a place to write my thoughts where I can be away from my RL friends, but can experience help from others.

Things haven't been going so well in my life, I've had extremely low points, and I haven't gone up since.

I may update more than once a day depending on how life is going.

I will be using a system in which I will rate my mood from 1-10 (1 being worst, 10 being the best) and a stress level, 1-10 again.

I hope by analyzing this, I can realize a trend in my life...

You ARE allowed to post here


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

*Day 1 of Journal*

Mood- 3
Stress- 4

Yup, starting out with some really low numbers :/

It's currently 1 am, I'm alone, doing homework I hate.
Math.
I'm not talking about "omg it's so hard!" I'm talking about the fact that after I mess up aa problem, there's nothing stopping me from feeling like absolutely crap about myself.
In high school Calc, I used to leave test days crying. 
I knew I was a failure in math, and I still am.

But guess who is a business major and needs to take Financial Accounting?
It's not even the math, but the fact that even if your numbers add up, you can mess up the title of something, and you second guess your math, and you get mad because you mess up, etc.

I HATE IT.

I hate this work. I hate that I have no choice but to do it. I hate how it makes me feel like crap.

My friends told me that if I got a grade higher than my other friend in my Japanese class, I was going to get homemade cookies, and if I got an A, then a cake.

And I was so motivated. I've been doing all my homework. I studied.
But why.
Why can't I pass these quizzes?
Why can't I ever pass a class with something without a C or a B?
Why am I so bad?

I just hate the way my life is going right now.
A 2.3 and 2.8 GPA for freshman year is HORRIBLE.
And everytime I think about it, I choke back the terrible thoughts.
I'm a failure and I'm not happy with the fact that I have to hide this from my dad.

What would he do if he knew?
Would he take my fish away?
Would he take my dog away?
Would he take my laptop away?

What do I do?
And everytime I get a glimpse of the answer, I get struck back down and I'm stuck in the corner over and over again, thinking about how much of a failure I am. Because in reality, that's really all I do think of myself.


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

You're not a failure! I think you're being too hard on yourself. It does help to keep a journal of your feelings. A friend of mine does journaling and art therapy when she's feeling stressed or depressed and it helps her. *hugs*


----------



## Frazzle (Apr 10, 2012)

It is smart and brave of you to do this.

When I was going through a hard time, I would write myself notes. Notes that told me the facts, and I would re-read these notes and I would feel better. You are going a step further, and are allowing complete strangers, yet friends, help you, and give feedback.

From what I gather, you are just like me.

I use to be so negative. I can't even tell you what I'd do to put myself down.

I would suggest something to clear your mind. Go for a run, draw a picture, listen to dubstep, or buy some legos and build something (actually helped me some).

Either way, we are all here for you.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

dramaqueen said:


> You're not a failure! I think you're being too hard on yourself. It does help to keep a journal of your feelings. A friend of mine does journaling and art therapy when she's feeling stressed or depressed and it helps her. *hugs*


Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself, but I don't know how to be "soft" on myself....
And it helped me a lot *hugs(



Frazzle said:


> It is smart and brave of you to do this.
> 
> When I was going through a hard time, I would write myself notes. Notes that told me the facts, and I would re-read these notes and I would feel better. You are going a step further, and are allowing complete strangers, yet friends, help you, and give feedback.
> 
> ...



I use my fish to help me calm down, but usually if I go somewhere alone, I feel worse. I don't like ebing alone, it makes me anxious and makes everything worse :<

I'm going to start getting back into drawing, or maybe do another paintinig...

Thank you


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi love. Sorry to hear you are feeling so low :'( I know exactly how that feels (especially the math part!). Everything will get better - it's just waiting for it to happen that's the hard part!

And, of course, all you fish-fanatic pals are here for you


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Thanks Toad 
((Also, I misssed youuuuuu <3))

Mood-7
Stress-4

Stress is still there, but I'm feeling quite a bit better.
Pudge has some weird problem so it's getting me worried. But Squirt is fine so I don't think I have to worry for the moment.

I might be going out with some friends tonight to a party, only to get some stress off. It's a 4 day weekend so a LOT of people are leaving, and those that are staying are mainly the people I don't like. So I'm spending time tonight with those I want to be with .

I also started thinking about my future and what I want to do. I'm hoping that by keeping someone of a postive outlook, I can do what I want.

As I'm sitting here, I can see all my bettas, and I realize that I wat them to be happy too. So I feel likeit'd be amazing to live in a big enough apartment next year where I can buy some larger tanks for them. I would love to see Sir Bubbles in a 20 gallon, or even Buddha. 

I get a refund check every semester, and I am hoping I can get it this year. If I do, I will be able to put money on the side for a new apartment, and hopefully, another dog. 

Fingers crossed things get better as the day goes on


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it keeps getting better.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Ah, it got better, then worse..

Mood: 8 then 2
Stress: 7 then 5

Around 9, I had two friends come over and we hung out in my room for 2 hours. We listened to music, talked about my fish, and told stories. I literally had a great time, and although we rarely see each other, it was nice to be with some friends that hnoestly don't know what's going on and can just enjoy you for who you are.

Then around 11:30, we had a birthday party set up, and 12 was the birthday party itself. Well, once things started going, things started getting overwhelming. Some people became flat out rude to others, and some just ignored the others. There was a lot of rudeness and inside problems with each other that I, one who is neutral in a lot of this, began to get overwhelemed. I wish I could go into specifics about this, but I can't for fear of who will see this.

But overall, I really wish I could just turn off my friendship with someone with no consequences. Sometimes I just want to leave this school and go by my self.

It's sucks to have such a bad feeling.

I've realized about myself something interesting though. If I ever have an "up" period n which I feel amazing, I do something or go somewhere that with or without my knowledge, will bring me "down." I can spend a total of 2 hours feeling great about myself and my life, but 10 hours after that, I will feel like I'm useless and hate myself.

It's just a continuous up and down, and I don't enjoy this as my life.
I'm going to try to focus on the positives, but it's so hard when there's so few.


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm sorry that the party wasn't as good a time as you'd hoped it would be  People are so rude and immature sometimes - life is too short to be nasty to one another!

When I get depressed, I find that the most helpful thing is to get out of my own head. If I sit and think about it, it just gets worse and worse and worse. But, when I find something else to do or think about - even a simple thing, it gets better. It could be something simple like repotting a plant, or decorating a fish tank. Being around another person (and talking about their problems instead of mine lol) helps a lot, too, as being alone with all your stress can be so overwhelming.

I missed you, also  I see you have more fishies now!


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

I can't seem to think of anyting to do at this very moment to help. I mmight draw...

And I'm one of those people that "absorbs" another person's stress. 
For example: I was just with a friend and I'm trying to tell him about how my mom is being extremely hypocritical and basically doesn't want to see me unless I come home. I'm in the middle of explaining and he cuts off to talk to someone else.
But when he tells me his problems, I listen, because that's who I am, and then I start feeling worse because I start thinking about what he's going through, and I see people differently, etc. I'm trying to find someone neutral to talk to, but it's a holiday weekend so EVERYONE went home, and there's maybe 20 people in the residence hall I live in.

I thought about seeing my fish, and I'm ding that now. They're still in zombie mode so they're not really doing much, but seeing them helps a lot more....
And you are correct, I do have more fish, 3 more. They're all different shapes and colors too.

I though about getting a tattoo for my 21st bithday, and I was stuck on getting a Tribal Umbreon tattoo done. But now I might do some interesting Tribal (or just colored) tattoo of Buddha. I feel like it will mean a lot more to me than a Pokemon tattoo because these fish have already saved my life.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Thought about something terrible today, it was influecned by a "trigger" post on tumblr. Now I feel worse.

And on top of that, a few of my friends decided to go apple picking without me. And then my other friends decided to hang out together elsewhere without me.

There's a reason why II'm curled up on my bed wrapped in a comforter. It's because all I want to do is become as small as possible and just disappear. And well, it's working I guess since everyone forgot about me...again.


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

We haven't forgotten about you. I'm so sorry you've been feeling so bad and I wish there was something I could do to help. Have you ever seen a therapist about all this?


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

((I'm a bit better, talked to a friend who I thought was gone, but he's still here! He got a huge load off my shoulder too))

Yay 

And no, I haven't. I heard mixed reviews about the therapist on campus :/
And I can't go to a professional one because I currently don't have health insurrance because a mistake my parents did.


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

Ooh, I love tattoos! I have one picked out that I haven't gone to get, yet  It's the line "only love can do that" from a quote by MLK Jr. Are you going to draw your own, or have the tattooist draw one for you? I always think it's so cool when people draw their own tats, but I can't draw anything more than a stick figure, sooo.... ha ha.

I'm glad your friend was around to make you feel better! You could always just go see the school therapist one time, and decide if you like her. If you do, keep going, and if not, then don't go. It never hurts to try!


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

((I would love to do it myself, but I'm terrible at it. I was thinking of possible asking Aokashi when the time comes 

I'm planning on making an appointment once the day happens when I absolutely have no resources))

Mood: was 1 then 8
Stress: was 1 then 10

The day started TERRIBLE,as posted earlier.

But as of right now, I feel great! Smile on my face, and no stress 
Went out to town for dinner, played frisbee/soccer with some friends/acquantinces I rarely see or just met. We played for about 3 hours so I'm worn out. Unfortunately, I managed to mess up my OTHER ankle, and since I don't have health insurance I can't have it checked out T-T

But I hope the pain goes away after I rest it. 

OVerall, A different day that started bad, but ended good!


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Mood: 5
Stress:10

No stress, but neutral mood. Good, right? 

I had a lot of fun last night with some more new friends. It was mainly a drinking party, but it was classy. And I, being the one who never drinks, had to drink lemonade when we played Kings haha

But overall it was a lot of fun 

This morning, however, I woke up in an intense amount of back pain. I've been experiencing back pain for years now, but since I haven't seen a doctor about it, I don't know whats wrong. I woke up numerous times during the night and found out that no matter what positiion I was in, my back was killing me.

I can't see a doctor, so I guess I'm just left with taking lots and lots of advil.

I'll comment later today about how it goes~

Oh, I had a dream last night in which I was buying stuff for my new apartment. My dad and sister were with me, and we were in this one shopping center I go to often. Well, my dad told me that I was allowed to go to petsmart and buy up to $100 of what I wanted. Well, I ended up buying a huge tank (make 20gals) and lots of female bettas. I told him that I would keep all my other bettas in their tanks at the moment, but Buddha would get upgraded and put in the 20 gal except he'd be in part where the water wasn't shared.

I woke up happy from the dream, but no so much from the pain xD


----------



## Frazzle (Apr 10, 2012)

Alcemistnv said:


> This morning, however, I woke up in an intense amount of back pain. I've been experiencing back pain for years now, but since I haven't seen a doctor about it, I don't know whats wrong. I woke up numerous times during the night and found out that no matter what position I was in, my back was killing me.


Try flipping your mattress over. It may provide temporary relief.


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

Well I'm glad you are feeling good, mentally, but I'm sorry to hear about your back!

What an awesome dream  haha I love dreams about pets!


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Mood: 3
Stress:2

So, I believed I failed yet another test for my business class, but nope, this doesn't surprise me. All my business grades from last year were a c+, c-, c-, and a b.

Notice a trend?

I'm telling everyone I want to be a business majr because it will keep me successful in life. I can start my own business. I can do this. I can do that. But what's the use if I can't pass a single class?

I mean, how do I expect myself to know how to take care of my own finances if I can't even do a textbook's example correctly?

I might just give up on being a business major like EVERYONE keeps telling me, and just be undecided for the rest of my sophmore year. Literally, I don't know ANYTHING else to do that will benefit me in the future that I would want to do. ANYTHING.
And I mean that in a "I'm not going to colelge again because I need a new degree" sort of way. 

I could try teaching, but then again I need a major for that...

Anyways, it's spirit week for my school (yay....) and all the residence halls are competing. I'm in Hall Gov so I'm "expected" to attend everything, but nope, I'm sorry, I have 3 tests between Monday-Wednesday. I'm not going to let me GPA drop down to the 2 range like last year. I need to keep it up and I need lots of studying (oh, and all the events tak up most of the day).

So I need to skip out on my hall gov duties so I can go study. YIPPE


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

I've changed my mind about what to be at least 5 trillion times in my life. Right now, I want to go to school for marketing and advertising, and I'm hoping I can stick with that. I've wanted to do teaching, nursing, respiratory therapy, social work, professional photography, marine biology and at one point I just wanted to quit school and spend my life doing volunteer work in Africa, or saving the whales, and holding down menial jobs (like the one I've got now) to pay my bills.

Oye. Deciding on a life path is hard work, and being forced to do it quickly and when you're young makes it even harder! So, if you want to change your mind 5, 10 or 50 times, you go ahead and do it. How can you find your calling if you don't explore your options?


----------



## Shirleythebetta (Jan 9, 2012)

I'm a business major too. Ever want any advice pm me


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

I started out in education then found out I can't stand kids. lol So I changed my major. Some people weren't too happy about that but tough noodles.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

I was told by a friend to think about doing business, but not in such a "business-y" manner.

Imstead of doing business she said I should look possibly into communications, but to use more of a business approach with it. For example, they have an advertising major within communications and it balances between that and business.
I'm going to speak to an advisor and find out what I should really do based on my grades, credits, and also on what I want to do in the future.

It is ridiculous to ask someone at a young age to find out what they want to do for the next 40-50 years. Some people might know exactly what they want to do, but seeing as how I used to be a veteraniarian a few years ago shows how many times a person changes their mind.


----------



## Frazzle (Apr 10, 2012)

I went to school for graphic design, and then realized that it wasn't what it seemed to be. Now I'm thinking about going to be an art teacher. I love kids, and art. I also like cars, so I might want to be a mechanic... or a cop. IDK


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Feel like crap again after doing my accounting homrwork again.

And I failed my 2nd test.

And I failed my Japanese quiz.

Why am I even in college? Im the worst.


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

Don't let people tell you you should do this or that. You do what YOU want to do that interests you the most. I found that if I didn't like something then I got low grades in that subject. Maybe there is a questionnaire that you could take to help you figure out your interests and what suits you best. There is no reason you should be stuck in a career that is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life because someone else told you to do it.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

I'm going to have to figure out what I'm doing.
I've actually thought about just leaving college for about a year or so just to think about it.

It's not even my "major" classes I'm not doing good in. I currently have a 69 in my GE class that I thought I was SOARING through. 

Then I have my major class I know I'm going to fail.

I then have Japanese which might not go down so well considering she's literally expecting us to know everything right down to the stroke.

And then I have Macro which is going well now, but we have only two major tests, and if I fail those I can potentially fail the class.

So as you can see, this is NOT good for me.


----------



## dramaqueen (Jul 7, 2008)

It might be a good idea to take a year off to think about things. I think that would alleviate some of your stress. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


----------



## toad (Jul 17, 2012)

You can learn a lot in a year - I accidentally took a year off school (meaning, I tried for 2 straight semesters to take online classes and couldn't pass them, because I have no self discipline), and I think it was a good opportunity for me think more about where I was going. If you don't want to take a whole year off school, you could always take just 1 semester off, or take only 1 or 2 classes next semester.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

My only problem is that my sister is going to college next year and we have a baby so I don't know how they feel about expenses and such.

And oh god, I might become an emotional wreck if I can't go to college and see all of my REALLY close friends.

But I'm in my 2nd year and I can't get above a 3 GPA, I can't get above a B+ average, and even worse, I can't pass any of the major classes I should be flying through with ease.

Financial accounting is kicking my rear end, and it's gotten to the point where I'm not going because I have a quiz and I feel like I might just exploded into tears if I take it.

I don't know if I have some sort of disability, but once I take a test, I blank completely. My problem has been test taking for a few years now and it's gotten worse. I can ace practice poblems, but say you're grading me and I draw blanks. I've failed almost ALL my tests (besides a random few) because of this.

I completely lose focus while test taking. It can take me 10 minutes to multiply 2 by 2 bcause I got focused on the color of the clock on the wall, and I'll liken it to something, and next thing I know the test is over.

I need to talk to both my parents about this, because I don't know what I can do. I can't live on campus if I'm not taking at least 12 credits, and I'm taking 13. I thought I was good in japanese and my astronomy class, but both have proved otherwise. 

Now there's Macro, but to be honest I think it's the only class I'm somewhat confident in. I've basically given up on myself for the other classes already, so if I fail I wouldn't be surprised.

Yes, I've tried test taking tips. Yes, I know I should try something but nothing works.

Maybe I should see a doctor..? I don't know.

But this really sucks.


----------



## Alcemistnv (Jan 29, 2012)

Had a talk with my dad.

He said it;s okay if I don't do business anymore.

I might go to a Communications major instead


----------

